Thanks for all the replies--some further points

As I said in chat last night, just having people respond and offer support is really all I'm asking when I make posts like these. It makes the feelings a little more bearable. But in fact, just posting this took a huge load off and made me feel happy the rest of the evening. When I come out of those emotional slumps, even if temporarily, the fog of self-doubt that clouds my perspective clears away and allows me to look into the future for a minute. It's then that I can see that all of these times, these days of angst and depression, are really worth it.

As well, I think some people may not comprehend those of us who struggle with our emotions, even as everything in our beings tells us we are right and there is no need for guilt. I envy those of you who can reign in your emotions, because I've never been able to do it. To give you perspective, as a young boy I couldn't stand for adults, especially men, to express disappointment in me, or even to raise words of reproach. Such things brought me to tears easily. I once struggled not to cry in 8th grade when me art teacher kindly but firmly lectured me on not turning work in on time.

I was also terrified of my dad, even though he was never severely abusive, at least not physically (though he definitely spanked me and my sister a time or two.) He was the kind of gruff, emotionally distant parent that rarely says anything to his children unless its an insult or a command. And he didn't have much to do with us otherwise. He since regrets this, I know, but it's probably too little too late to fix the damage. I still don't feel completely comfortable around him and probably never will.

In retrospect, my childhood was a lonely one. Being a reasonably intelligent, sensitive kid with an interest in art and culture, I never really fit in with my peers, nor most adults in the rural South where I grew up (and currently reside again.) By the time we moved to Michigan, I was 11 and already in emotional shambles--I was chronic bed-wetter; worse, I still peed myself when awake sometimes, as I basically resigned myself to the world of my fantasies and forgot about my bodily functions.

Although intellectually and artistically advanced for my age, I was emotionally stunted. I still wore fuzzy zippered pajamas at age 11, yellow ones at that. I had few friends at school, and many of them secretly made fun of me. Being poor and handicapped and rather negligent of my sanitary needs, I was avoided like the plague. Not to come off cliched, but I was probably the most misunderstood kid in school. Having a reputation as a crybaby just exacerbated the problem. I retreated into the world of books and my toys, which I wrote long storylines for, illustrated of course, and acted out for myself, an audience of one. Thus began my writing "career."

How can someone truly appreciate the scope of my childhood alienation? I needed someone--ANYONE--a BLer would've been wonderful, a little girlfriend even better. I had neither, just one run-in with a possible BLer who fondled me and was gone the next day. And I was made to feel guilty about that--not intentionally, but through the actions and attitudes of an ignorant society who victimized me far more severely than the man who just rubbed my genitals without asking my permission.

I'm constantly amazed how completely hypocritical our culture is about its concept of protecting children. It would go out of its way to "protect" my 8-year-old self from a little pleasurable stimulation, but yet would heartily advocate the presence of children at revivals like the one I attended at age 10, wherein the evangelist for over an hour went into graphic detail about what flames could do to a human body and what Hell would be like for all us sinners if we didn't repent at once! It was an occasion where, being my crybaby self, I was lead to the altar in tears afterward--not out of real repentance but out of terror--to give my life over to Jesus.

I shudder at the thought of the millions of children who have been kowed into believing in God (or saying they do) through the threat of eternal pain and suffering. To me this is far closer to child abuse than anything like what I experienced. And, it ultimately made me realize what a crock of shit the whole concept of Hell was. Why would an all-powerful, supposedly benevolent God, need to resort to creating a place of unending pain and torture for those who don't follow his rules? To me this is the equivalent of a parent saying, "If you don't do as I say now, even though you don't agree with or understand my reasoning, I'll beat the fuck out of you for the rest of your life." It runs absolutely counter to everything that's true and right to me.

But, I digress. The other point I wanted to make was about those who claim to be "cured" of pedosexuality, or even homosexuality, for that matter. My take on this is, such people are either incredibly shallow to be able to renounce such an important element of their personality so easily, or they really weren't that interested in it in the first place--i.e., the weren't true peds. The recently posted website is a good example of what I mean--it's no secret here at GC that most child molesters aren't peds anyway but situational molesters, and as such, the anti-ped conversion/brainwashing process tends to work well for such people.

But in cases where they are true peds, it tends to take an awfully powerful incentive to change one's orientation (unless, as I say, your all surface and no depth)--the threat of eternal damnation might do it, but if that doesn't work, torture and total societal condemnation may also be effective. That's where we're at now in terms of the culture's handling of pedosexuality. That, and the Orwellian surveillance society we are headed toward.

But unlike such folks, I will never be brainwashed without having my entire identity erased. Why? Because my sexuality is at the very heart of who I am. It's more than just a single compartment of my identity; it's spread all the way through every aspect of what makes me ME. And, to me it is absolutely crystal clear that peds and children have a right to experience mutual sex play, to learn from one another and share that intimacy that makes us complete and whole human beings. Children aren't unformed beings--such beliefs are mind-bogglingly stupid. They have functioning genitalia and a right to learn how to use them correctly, as well as a right to share them with whoever they wish to share them with.

In short, I know what's right, morally and naturally, and that is unlikely to ever change. I've seen every anti argument there is and countered every one in a way that satisfied me and jibed with everything else I believe. If everyone but me believed the opposite, it would not likely change what I believe. It would torment me and only make me wish even stronger that I COULD see their perspective as the correct one so I wasn't such a loner. But my childhood experiences have taught me nothing if not that being the odd man out and being forced to follow the path no one else wants to tread is often the best thing that can happen to you, because it makes strong enough to stand up against the often overwhelming tidal wave of public opinion when you need to.

Standing for what's right is never easy, as Aslan says in The Chronicles of Narnia. That's a cliche but essentially and predominantly true, an ironic fact that the hordes of antis who oppose us generally fail to grasp. They seem to have a hard time comprehending the reality that we peds are human, and that we suffer from their persecution and our own loneliness and guilt. They seem to imagine that we are living it up, going around molesting and raping children without regard to law, in some kind of carefree pedo bacchanalia, when nothing could be further from the truth. Some even seem to think that the law does little to stop peds from their demonic spree of victimizing child after child!

Even so, I can't say that I've never been jealous of those who could renounce their sexuality, even as I have my doubts about just how successful they actually are, and ultimately how happy they are deep down with that. Perhaps some find it a substantial enough trade-off to find true happiness, but I imagine very few. Still, I can only speculate.

Thank you all again for your support, and just for being here to listen to my rants.