I feel obsessed all the time. Whenever I have a chance to spend some time with a little girl, any little girl, my thoughts are always about whether or not I should try to strike up a relationship with her. I always want to, and then I feel guilty and self-conscious about it, and I feel too awkward to make anything of it. And then when nothing happens and it's time to leave, I feel frustrated and sad for missing the opportunity. I don't know how to just be around little girls without desperately wanting, being paralyzed by fear of discovery, and then crushed and frustrated when nothing happens.
When I'm not around little girls I'm thinking about them, either by looking at pictures or reading stories, or just daydreaming. That's my comfort blanket. When I'm tense or upset I zone out by daydreaming about my favorite little girls. It feels so good, but I always feel empty because it's only a fantasy. The better it is, the more empty and frustrated I feel in knowing it's not real.
My heart aches. I feel weak. I want, so badly. But I can never have, and all I can feel is frustration, bitterness, anger, and shame for being this way. How can I not be obsessed? Nothing else is important in life. Little girls are my heroin, and I am an addict. If I can't have what I want (and I can't), then nothing else means a damn to me. Not even changing.
I am a receptacle of human misery, my life is a textbook example of tragic irony. I have all the traits that would make me a successful, admirable person... and yet, all the wrong thoughts and feelings that society will never accept, and I have no desire to be successful and admired at the expense of what makes me who I am. So I'm marking time until I die, just trying to lose myself in fantasies about little girls, hoping I can keep out of trouble, and wishing the end of the world would hurry up and get here already. I'm bored, I'm restless, I'm depressed, I'm sick of myself, I'm furious with the world, and I want no part of it. Because of what I am, I lost the race before I even left the starting gate. A stronger man would take it as a challenge to overcome, and spend his life proving he can do just as well as anyone else. Me, I wake up every day with the taste of defeat already in my mouth and I pull the covers back over my head and fall back asleep thinking about little girls again.
Is it an obsession? Yep. And it's the only comfort, the only pacifier I have in this piece of shit life, and I'd rather die than give it up.
"An error was made."