Hello and intro

Hello everyone. Just putting a toe in to test the waters for posting after lurking for a short while. This is (from my perspective) actually a re-introduction after an absence of several years; I lurked and posted (though not frequently, and I'm sure no one would remember me in any case) under a different nick for about six months a few years back. The reason for using a different nick now is simply a matter of practical concern, to which I will allude further on in my intro.

At the time I first found GC back then (quite by a nice bit of serendipity; I never dreamed such a place existed), I was just beginning to acknowledge and embrace my own identity as a GL/TL. I spent most of my life in a very conservative/religious environment, and always bought into the typical view of "pedophiles" as aberrant, perverse creatures who lay in wait to abduct, abuse, and victimize innocent children.

When, in my early 20's, I began to realize (through my extensive work with and interaction with children in my religious work) that I was attracted to LG's (and to a lesser extent, LB's), I viewed it as something to be shunned, repented of, denied, hidden, and ashamed of; something *had* to be wrong with me. Still, I knew I wasn't at all like the stereotypical depiction of pedo's, so I knew that I certainly wasn't one of those.

Enter GC. I could not believe that a place existed where these self-proclaimed GL's actually discussed their attraction, and, far from running away from it as something to be abhorred, actually reveled in it. And I couldn't believe how "normal", engaging, entertaining, intelligent and diverse these people appeared to be when I would read their posts. Far from coming across as demonic psychologically disturbed subhumans, people on this board seemed astonishingly -- oh my god -- like regular people; like I considered myself to be.

It took a while for me to begin to accept the fact that my preconceived prejudice and abhorrence was horribly misinformed and misplaced. I was not the only person attracted to children who wasn't some alien creature as I'd believed.

Another thing that quickly struck me about this place and the people here: many times the most interesting and fascinating topics of discussion and debate were not even related directly to GL at all. I was undergoing fundamental root-level challenges and changes to my own religious/political belief system at the time I first came here (in addition to discovering and embracing my own attraction/orientation), and here I encountered some of the most intelligent and thought-provoking challenges to my previous mindset that could be.

One other thing I must mention that deeply impressed me in those days is the level of support given to others when they were going through difficult times, from whatever source (whether GL-related or not). I felt that support numerous times when I would ask questions, especially when being exposed to certain ideas and concepts for the first time. It's not easy to abandon stereotypes and prejudices one has held for all of one's life.

At the time I first came to GC, I was married, recovering from a long-term illness, and undergoing huge changes in my life on every level, as I alluded to above. I am very happy to see many familiar names still on the board, especially some of the ones who were most helpful and influential to me in the beginning.

After I'd been lurking/occasionally posting for about six months, I went on a trip out of town to visit family, and while I was away, my wife asked a good friend of mine who was very computer literate to look at my computer because she suspected that I was "doing things" online that I shouldn't be (what she had in mind was looking at pornography -- adult, not child, I should hasten to add). At the time, I was almost paranoid about my online security, and took great steps in that regard, but left my own computer largely unguarded because my wife never used it, and we had no kids so I never envisioned anyone would have access to it without my consent or knowledge.

There was never anything remotely illegal on it, but there were enough traces (mostly from newsgroups, etc.) that my friend found that caused me to be compromised. That's why, in returning after a time away, I'm using a different nick. I don't know that my friend found any reference to GC or that nick in his search of my computer, but I can't be sure.

I was "outed" in a sense, not by anything definitive, but with the *possibility* that some things I had been doing online could have involved children (like my involvement here at GC).

Ironically, on one level, from my wife and from those in my family who later found out about this suspicious cloud over exactly what I had been doing online, I experienced a great deal of understanding and support. But it is also sadly true that it did change some dimensions of my relationships with children I knew, particularly two of my nieces.

I have since divorced my wife (not over anything directly related to my GL), and so now feel the freedom to come back to this place that I have missed a great deal. I suspect that, as before, I won't be a frequent poster (though, with this post, I've obviously made up for frequency with the verbosity of this one post -- ha!), but I will lurk a great deal and comment when I feel inspired. I hope to get to know some of you once again as well.

I would be remiss if I did not thank NFiH for helping me get registered. Also (if you ever read this), did you get my follow-up e-mail? There were problems with my nym-server this week, so it's possible that some of my mail didn't get through.

Thanks for your indulgence for my words, and I do hope it didn't test the limits of your endurance for reading overmuch. Brevity is not my strong suit, unfortunately.

I am thankful that this place is still here, and is still a welcome oasis in a world that is sometimes particularly difficult for those of us with a love for children. Thanks to all of you who make it such a refuge.

Outcast1