"Now I'm very at ease, even in my crushing/longing. I know the right balance of restraint and affection to look kinda like I’d make a great dad."

me too, but can't help but feel it is misleading. "crushing/longing" is not "great dad" ideology after all. It is more.

Being great at what you do is not enough. You can still be brought down by MAP paranoid repercussions. And most likely will. A little bit of "fuck them" is still needed.

"I want to believe"