Anyone might feel like committing suicide if they were cornered into openly betraying their best friend of life and a 10-year-old girl. I can't accept the outcome of my decisions on a moral level. The person who made them is not someone I can accept being. Society says, "Don't get so close to kids then, it's your own fault, see? This is why it's illegal. This is what happens."

Bull. Straight-up circular-logic. Infuriating.

No, I don't have a choice. Love just happens. And society makes it impossible to act faithfully because they have a moral hysteria about totally different circumstances which love gets lumped in with because of stubbornness, the assumption that love cannot exist and the child is being used. So what is there to do?

I realize I was under duress but that's not enough to stop me from blaming and hating myself, and agonizing over the awful things I've done. And if this is a cycle bound to repeat, due to my lack of self control, then I ought to save any future girls the suffering.

I don't know that I'll ever feel I deserve happiness again.

Yet I feel ultimately compelled to still try in vain.

Are they just sadists? Am I just a masochist?

How can they be so uncaring? How can they not see love for what it is and want to preserve it, all because we're not the same age?

And how can they not recognize what they're doing to me, to us, by pressuring me to the point of self-sabotage and, worse, sabotaging her?

Are they that selfish?

I can't preemptively remove myself from all real-life situations involving little girls and pretend they don't exist, and make my sexual orientation a fantasy game, doomed to wander unhappily until I wither and die.

Am I that selfish?

Or is it just that I hate to lose and think I can win so it's worth trying?

I think that's probably it.

And, I suppose my family thought I would stop after the first time, or that I was too old to still seem attractive to girls I liked anymore, and they were wrong, and that's why they feel they can no longer support me. "Just give up" - that's what they say.

You tell me to keep fighting.

And, I will. I don't have the courage to take my own life anyhow.

One thing's for sure, though: I will never be honest again.

~ Rbl