I'm here, dude

Hi, Foreverman,

I just got your letter, and I scooted over to the board as soon as I could, to offer you what support I can. We can talk more about this later in chat, if you would like.

Do you ever get the feeling that some higher power is watching over you, doing its damnedest to make your life a total misery? After today I'm beginning to believe it.
For those people who haven't kept up with the exciting story that I've participated in over the last few months then search the archives for my posts "PLEASE HELP! Is it possible to walk away" and "An Update on My Situation". The next chapter is presented here but dont complain to me if you get depressed reading it.

I've felt this way more times than I care to count, man. I've very often cursed those nebulous "higher forces" for what I've often perceived as my terrible lot in life, I've cursed the capricious arms of fate for the specific girls and women I have met through the course of my life (too many of them were self-serving vamps), cursed my financial upbringing, etc. Perhaps more than anything else, I've cursed the aforementioned "higher forces" for having my birth take place in an era that is so utterly hostile to GLer's. Yes, I've often considered suicide in the past. Nevertheless, one of the things I've learned in the course of my life is the immense preciousness of life, and how many of our own decisions affect the negative outcome of many of the trials and obstacles we face in the course of our lives. As I've told you before on this subject, Foreverman, you were admittedly and deliberately making choices regarding a girl whom you knew was not good for you for many different reasons, and your contention was always a variation of "I don't care if she uses me, I don't care if the situation regarding her parents is explosive, I don't care if my love will not likely be recipricated by this particular girl, etc...the fact that I love her is the only thing that matters to me, and the only thing that will dictate my actions." Now, consider this predicament with your brain, instead of your heart, and then ask yourself these two questions, and consider them very frankly: "Should I have expected any other outcome?" and "Should I have expected the 'higher forces' to suspend the universe's laws of logic and probability simply as a kindly gesture to me?" I DO believe in certain "higher forces" out there, Foreverman, and while I do not believe that they are sadistic as they sometimes seem, I DO believe that their primary purpose in the universe is not necessarily to bring you happiness, but to help you learn. The decisions that YOU make in regards to these situations and opportunities (real or imagined) that appear during the course of your life will largely determine the outcome far more so than the "attitude" of the Fates.

This is another reason why I have told MANY people on this board in the past that logic and reason MUST accompany emotion and all matters of the heart, because if they don't, then you can count on bad decisions being made. We need a balance in our lives between the intellect and the heart, and not allow one to supercede the other.

As the scout meeting was cancelled last week it has been 2 weeks since I last saw S, my 11yo girlfriend, so I was really looking forward to seeing her again today. Two weeks ago I gave her a valentines card and so I was anxious to see what she thought of it and, perhaps more inportantly, whether the parents had seen it. The journey home that I make to see her consists of a bus into the city, 2 trains, and then a bus to the scout building. Blow number one came when I got into the city only to realise that I'd left my keys at home, meaning I wouldn't be able to open the Scout HQ once I got there and so wouldn't be able to have any "alone time" with S.

Whenever peeps are unusually anxious and/or in a hurry to get somewhere, they tend to be forgetful. However, consider that your lack of achieving alone time with S may actually have been a blessing in disguise, due to the underlying factors of the situation.

Foolishly, I got back on another bus home but traffic delays slowed everything down, as well as the fact that more people wanted to use the public transport system when I was in a hurry than any other time I'd seen before.

This sounds to me like a manifestation of the infamous "Murphy's Law." It's possible, of coarse, that Murphy's Law is merely a perceptual anomaly in human beings, much like the manner in which times seems to "fly" when we are enjoying ourselves, yet pass interminably slowly when were are doing something that we dislike.

b) once we did get moving there were further delays at a station where someone decided to throw a stone at the window.

Why in the world would somebody do that for???

the Scout Leader, (and S's foster dad) called me into the office for "a word". I followed him in and he closed the door, before reaching into his pocket and producing a piece of paper. He unfolded it and showed it to me.

It was my handwriting, something I'd forgotten I'd even written. I'd given it to S months ago before we suspected the parents were onto us. It contained my addresses, phone numbers, email addresses and every way for her to contact me. At the bottom it said "Please don't hesitate to get in touch cos I'd love to hear from you as often as possible, love (foreverman) xx". With hindsight I realise it was stupid of me to think she would ever contact me out of scouts, given the kind of parental constraints she was subject to but we all make mistakes.

This is true, Foreverman...we do all make mistakes, and you can rest assured that I've made mistakes of that nature, also...remind me to tell you about the two worst errors in judgment along these lines that I ever made one of these days, so you don't feel so alone in making them yourself. However, as I told you in chat previously, and as I told MANY people, particularly AAM's on this board, in the past...DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT put your feelings on PAPER. Both we and the youths, particularly girls, need to understand, as I've said before, that parents descend upon diaries, journals, and hand-written letter collections like vultures upon carrion, and most of them DO NOT consider their kids' personal affairs to be "none of their business," because they do not generally recognize the rights of "their" children, and many of them will simply consider themselves to be "responsible parents" for doing this. Moreover, keep in mind that while the youth liberationists fight long and hard to obtain legally protected privacy rights for youths, CA's currently have a far larger media presence, and they routinely encourage parents to snoop on their kids' private notes and blogs "for their own good" by manipulating the fears of these parents, and they explicitely instruct parents to look for signs of their kids being in contact with "sexual predators."

DAD: Whats this?
(long pause)
ME: Uhhh....... its my address.
DAD: And what about this? (indicates closing sentence)
(my stomach starts a gold medal winning gymnastics routine and my head can only mutter "ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit.....")
(long pause)
ME: ...........
DAD: It doesn't look very good you have to admit
ME: Well errr no.....
DAD: You know what she's like! She's only 11!!! I don't want to get into an argument with you but the wife has been going on about this so I had to say something you understand?
ME: Yeah I suppose so. (finally gets control of head) I was only humouring her you understand. Though maybe it went a bit too far.
DAD: She was going to bring you a card this evening that said "I miss you loads, I love you etc etc" so we decided not to let her come to scouts tonight. Please, no more ok?
ME: uhh yeah ok.

Ok, let me make a few things clear to you, Foreverman, because you know I love ya, man, and I don't want to see you get in any kind of trouble because you absolutely insist on allowing your heart and emotions to overcome your common sense and reasoning faculties. Contrary to the opinions of a few other posters who you know I greatly respect and always listen to, I DO NOT agree that I was "too hard" on you and your YF in chat the other night when I exploded in anger (a bit too much, I must admit) when you revealed that she was keeping a diary, and writing things about you in there. Now, other people told us that they believe it's natural for tween girls to trust their parents. In some cases, that may be true, but based on everything you told me about S and her familial situation to date, I don't buy it for a second that she was unaware that her mother, at least, constantly cased her personal effects and rubbed her nose in her business. But I'm not saying that the bulk of the blame should be laid on S's shoulders, either. I think that you, my friend, should have been well aware that S is notoriously bad at hiding her diary, letters you wrote her, etc., from her mother. In fact, Foreverman, to be totally honest, I DO NOT get the impression that S cares overly much about her mom's snooping, and she seems to actually crave the attenton that is brought upon her when she is caught being "naughty," at least on some level. This is not totally unheard of, as there are many youths, for example, who steal and leave the absconded goods in a place where it is likely to be found, simply to get attention and add some type of salacious "excitement" to their lives. As you can see by some of the female AAM's who have posted on GC in the past, many AG's are out more for attention than they are for romance or any remotely productive activity, and several of them will not hesitate to use other people in whatever manner to gain "notorious" attention from parents, etc., and not be overly concerned about the consequences, either emotional or legal, to other people. Contrary to the popular belief that it's MAA's who are a bunch of abominable users and manipulators, there are some AG's out there who can write a ten volume book on the art of manipulation for the purposes of acquiring attention, feeding their always fragile ego's, to feel "popular," and to satiate their own personal recreational desires, and MAA's are often the target of such pernicious girls, because they know that MANY of us are lonely and emotionally vulnerable individuals who are so craving of love and attention that we usually do not consider that we are oftentimes willing to do exactly as you have done: totally disregard the type of people they may actually be, and totally focus on our needs and feelings and our love and attraction for them to the point of becoming their "bitches" (if you forgive my crude but apt use of contemporary slang lexicon). I DO NOT believe for a second that S was unaware of her mom's incessant penchant for snooping, and I think the evidence clearly displays this, considering how she constantly get's caught with this type of incriminating material, and I refuse to believe that it's simply because her mother is just that good, or that S herself is just that absent-minded or naively trusting.

And since you continue to make it clear to her that you're a lovesick puppy that is always at her beck and call no matter what, and always on hand to assuage her ego (which is far more needy than her heart), she will NEVER hesitate to play these games with you, to take your presence in her life for granted, and to continue "slipping up" and "getting caught" whenever you and her decide to put the matter of your more than platonic relationship on paper. Just look at how many of these AG's out there keep diaries and journals, and you will see exactly what I mean. Many of them find it exciting to live life dangerously, an attitude that manifests differently a bit later in life when they tend to gravitate towards "bad boys" to get the type of prurient excitement and drama in their lives that so many of them crave. Don't allow yourself to be used by THAT type of girl! DO NOT hinge your self-respect and happiness on ONE person, EVER, or that person will effectively OWN you, heart and soul! And if you tell me, yet again, a variation of "I don't care if she does all that, because I love her, and if that allows me to keep her in my life, blah blah blah" then I will remind you that you NEED to do some serious contemplative soul-searching and self-introspection, my friend, something that S and other girls like her are NOT doing. And the most important thing to remember, Foreverman, is that if you are nothing more than a clay puppy in the hands of these girls, they are going to tire of you sooner or later at any rate, and move on to the "next thing" that falls into their hands, and who offers them the prospect for more excitement and attention.

Now let me tell you a VERY cold, hard fact about romantic love, my friend: regretably, unlike parental or sibling love, romantic love CANNOT be unconditional, for either party! Both individuals in a romantic situation MUST expect an equal amount of love, concern, affection, and respect from the other person, otherwise the relationship becomes abusive and exploitive on the part of the person who cares LESS than the other. And since you need to accept the fact that intergenerational relationships tend to be, by their very nature, temporary and transitory, you need to learn not to put the exact same expectations upon them as you would SA relationships, because youths change and evolve at a rapid fire pace, far more rapidly and oftentimes suddenly than the average 'adult' does.

Now, on to the other important point I want to convey to you: for the sake of your future freedom and safety, LISTEN to her foster dad! Though I believe that S's lack of civil rights and the "right" (i.e., power) of her legal guardians to stop the relationship is intrinsically WRONG, considering the current legal power of parents vested to them by the state, her foster dad was actually being quite polite with you, and I strongly doubt he will be so polite the NEXT time...if there is one! See to it that there ISN'T a next time in regards to this girl. All you are going to accomplish by giving S further attention, my friend, is piss off her foster parents further, feed S's mammoth-sized ego at your own expense, and get yourself into serious legal trouble and accompanying public humiliation, especially if S's foster parents start "talking" and "warning" other parents and scout leaders about you. This can cause you to be ousted from the scout troop altogether, and you can be rest assured that those who do this will share the reason with other people in your local community, even if privately and "off the record." The bottom line, Foreverman, is this: if you and a YF are "found out," and her legal guardian asks you to back off, then DO SO, quickly and without visible complaint! I'm sorry to say this, my friend, but you lack the sheer legal power and position in society to do otherwise, and unfortunately, so does S...and I DON'T think she is anywhere near worth the risk, anyway.

And that was it. In a single minute the only good thing in my life was wrenched from my life.

Foreverman, I cannot control how you feel or how you perceive this girl, and I know exactly where you're coming from, and how NON-objective I can be if I'm on the side of the fence that you are. But IMO, for what it's worth, S was NOT a "good" thing in your life, and the relationship you had for her was far better for her than it was for you. Do your best to move on, and not elevate a vamp to the level of a goddess. Please don't think that I am oblivious to how you feel...because believe me, I was feeling this way more times than I care to count, and I have been equally foolish in the past in giving another chance to girls who were clearly NOT interested in me for reasons of romance, as they claimed. I've been there many times, and the perspective I have now is the perspective you will have in a few years when you gain more self-respect and self-control, and look back upon the situation involving S with more reason than emotion.

On the other hand if she continues to go to scouts I have to stay away from her and at the most be friends only - which will be unbearably painful. Next week I'll probably have to break up with her properly, while explaining that I still love her more than anything else in the world but that it'd be impossible for us to carry on as we have been. Its going to take me months to get over this I'm sure.

Foreverman, DO all of the above, and DO get over her...believe me, you CAN.

Oh, just to make matters worse - on the way home my second train was cancelled so I had to take a 2 hour detour home, finishing up getting back at about 1am. For a short while it seemed like I was to be stranded in a strange town (just to round off the day with something nice) but luckily there was another route so I didn't have to. I was beginning to think there was a conspiricy against me at that point!

As I said, my friend...Murphy's Law is largely perceptual, I think ;)

Standing on the platform I came closer to suicide than I've ever come before. As the train approached I was thinking "Just one jump now and it'll be over" but being the loser I am I couldn't go through with it.

You're NOT a loser, Foreverman! You're simply an example of the proverbial "fool in love" who has decided to put his self-respect, self-control, and best interests aside for the sake of hopefully winning the love of a particular girl. NO human being out there is worth taking your life over. Maybe you will not be able to have EXACTLY what you want in this life, but you CAN find something that can fit MANY of your needs, and give you a hefty degree of happiness. I was reeling in pain from bad experiences with several YF's over the past year and a half, but then I ended up meeting Sweet, right? Get your chin up, Foreverman, and see yourself as a positive and worthwhile human being who can deal with the capricious whims of Fate, and become a stronger person as a result. Everyone see's that potential in you EXCEPT for you...and you mean too much to the community to throw your life away.

Please remember that we will always be there when you need us, and that you are NOT alone in your struggle for happiness and acceptance.

Your friend,

--Dissident