I'll help you a little with the archives, though I obviously can't give you access.

Your first post as Markaba.

I found your last post as Markaba (for 16 months, anyway), but on reading the replies to it, decided not to link it because it would definitely reopen old wounds.

It's hard to find anything among 3473 posts, but here's one, and another you'll want to reread if you're re-examining your feelings and your life. And perhaps this one will help you reopen your eyes.