If I could I'd spend every day with her. Or at least until I've spent so many consecutive days that I begin to need a break, but I haven't nearly hit that hypothetical limit yet. As it is, I might go a week or longer without seeing her, and at this moment, that sounds like forever. I don't have nearly enough excuses to see her that often, and if I did, it would definitely raise some eyebrows. I don't know what it's like to be a parent, but I don't think it's generally considered appropriate to have this kind of a bond with somebody else's kid. Assuming I'm not just flattering myself. I know she likes me and enjoys spending time with me (that's what makes this so special), but I don't want to assume that I mean as much to her as she does to me.

It doesn't matter anyway, I just want to spend as much time with her as I can, but it isn't enough. The thought that she'll age out of my AoA isn't particularly comforting. I mean, I've already known her for a long time, and I hope to know her for a long time yet to come, so that's not going to change my support and friendship with her. But in the last year or so something has definitely awakened within her, that has awakened something within me. I not only enjoy spending time with her, but something about our friendship fulfills me on a deeper level. All the more reason to spend every moment I can with her now, if that feeling's eventually going to fade. Every day I don't get to see her, I can't help thinking of the moments - the memories - that I've missed. The "pursuit of happiness" is a sham. Why is it that whenever we find something that makes us happy, we humans invent reasons to deny ourselves of it?

Anyway, I feel like it would be helpful to actually be able to talk out my feelings with someone without fear of having to censor myself. (Even on here, I worry about being too specific about certain potentially very important details, in case somebody tries to out me.) Somebody with professional experience, perhaps, who could reassure me about what the limits of propriety are, give me confidence in seeking out what I desire to the extent that it is appropriate for me to seek it out, and above all to give me tips and tricks for managing that pain, especially if it's inevitable. I swear, sometimes it's like her presence is oxygen, and in her absence I am suffocating. After we part ways, and the afterglow fades, I swear it feels like she's lost to me forever, and I fear I will never see her again. Or that when I do, the magic that I crave so much will somehow be gone, and then I'll kick myself for ever waving goodbye to her in the first place.

I don't want to have feelings so intense that they could threaten to make the whole dynamic weird, or to have to make excuses to see her so convoluted that it begins to feel forced and not organic. But at the same time I don't want the good feelings to go away either. I can't very well confess to her, "I think I'm falling in love with you." That would ruin everything. I like the way things are - when we're together. I just want to continue to enjoy what I have - and get more of it, if possible - without not being able to still lead a separate life when we can't be together. Because right now I feel like I want my life to revolve around her, and nothing else is nearly as important. Would it be inappropriate to ask her parents if she could move in with me, even just for the summer?

No need to answer that question.