My Story and GM

Okay, I've been reading everyone's stories for a while now (the GM's being my favourites!) - time for me to share my story... Sorry if it's too long though, I fear cutting it short would result in less expression of my feelings.

My attraction to girls started when I was very young, years before the other boys started. I very frequently had fantasies about the girls at my school, but I never had much luck in real life - the girls my age (7-9) were never interested in me! I sadly had to wait many years before I had the opportunity to be with a girl.

I was in my mid teens, and she was two years younger. We had a great time together and I fell deeply in love with her. It didn't last long though, due to her lifestyle. She was a seriously troubled girl, sexually abused as a child by a family member. It totally ruined her life, to a point where she is not with us anymore. This of course angered me against the whole existence of child abusers.

I fell into a vicious circle of depression, which has lasted more then 7 years. During this time I slowly realised I was attracted to young girls myself! The older I got, the younger my attraction went, and the weirder I felt. While that wasn't my only cause of pain (multiple lost loves being the main trigger), it certainly contributed to my thoughts of suicide. I grew seriously concerned about the desires I started to have - I thought I was going to become exactly the kind of person that destroyed my ex-lovers life.

Somehow got through the worst of it. Many suicide plans falling apart - each time realising I was too weak to go through with it. I tried to be strong enough to keep going, to wait for good times that might eventually come...

...and so they did! Recently I met a wonderful little girl aged 9 (I'm in my early 20's). We were around each other for quite a few days/nights and had a lot of fun together (other people were also around, including her mother). It was such a new experience for me - I've never had the pleasure of being around a young girl for such a length of time! She's so cute and beautiful, so fun and cheeky, so loving and thoughtful - I started falling in love with her.

She showed such disappointment when our time was nearing an end - she hugged me time and again before we parted. My feelings for her grew stronger, I thought I might have just had the best time of my life - It was definitely the first time I fell in love with a girl so much younger then myself.

Feeling confused about who I am, I researched and explored the topic of paedophilia as much as I could (on the net). In the process I found this message board, after reading posts here, all the information I found elsewhere, and after analysing my time with the girl, I started to realise that there may be a chance I'm not so bad, possibly even good?

I really started to miss her, like anyone would miss a new love. Luckily I saw the young girl again, and it was obvious that she missed me too! We had a lot of fun together, more then the last time. We even slept in the same room (but different beds) - a great opportunity for an abuser - but what I realised during those nights is that I would never abuse a child. Not only could I not live with myself for causing her harm, but I have no desires for anything which involves force in the first place! I have always felt this way, but only now can I say it with such certainty! Her well-being is more important to me then my own.

Once again our time had to come to an end, and she showed disappointment of me leaving. Our last hug was the best I've ever experienced, she wrapped her legs around me, held me so very tight, and kissed me on my cheek!

Many nights of dreaming, many days of missing her - I couldn't stop thinking about her. Such torment love is.

Third time lucky? I was so happy when preparing for my third visit. I made plans of things I could say to her, to show her how much she means to me.

It turned out to be the greatest time of my life (just last week BTW). Since the first time together we have been physically close (only as far as holding hands and hugging), but this time not only did we have fun, but we were finally able to emotionally 'connect'. We talked about many things, and I finally got to express my feelings to her in words. I think she started to see the difference between me and other adults.

I was with her in public, just the two of us - it was such a great feeling! I even noticed people (mothers in particular) look at me differently - not in a bad way, perhaps more respect? Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just so proud to be in her presence? I probably look so much happier then usual, it's even a joy to help her with her homework - to think I used to hate homework? HaHaHa!

The most treasured thing that happened during our last time together, was something I've never experienced before - I lay in the same bed as the girl I love! We talked, we slept beside each other, and I awoke in the morning with her hugging me, resting her head on my chest/shoulder as she peacefully slept. We were even holding hands as we slept....! :)

To be very clear on the matter, no matter how aroused I may have been, there was nothing sexual about that night, or any other time we've been together.

Actually, I didn't sleep much that night. How could I with such beauty in my arms? I couldn't help but to just watch her most of the night, witness her erratic movements as she dreamt. Watch as she changes positions in her sleep, taking the blanket with her and leaving me in the cold! Great moments I will never, ever forget.

Words cannot explain the joy she has brought me! I'm so happy I'm finding it impossible to be sad even while we are apart and I miss her.

As for her mother, she walked into the bedroom that morning and saw us (she previously had no idea that we slept in the same bed that night). I didn't show it, but I was very scared of what she would think and/or do. I had planed on going back to my bed before morning but couldn't bring myself to disturb my loves sleep, I also wanted to be honest with the mother, and not hide anything. As she approached us, her mother said "Oh you two!" {in a cheerful tone}. She seemed completely fine with us sleeping together, and since has continued to show a great friendly attitude towards me.

So here I am wondering how far our relationship can go, and how far her mother will allow it. I've really been so happy with things so far - I don't want to go any further, in case I spoil it all. I'm so glad I made it through my dark times, because I've now fallen in love with a great little girl. She's so beautiful, so thoughtful of my feelings, and such fun to be around. I wouldn't trade the times we've had for anything in the universe! I want to wish for many more great times together, but I fear disappointment - I'm just so happy with things as they are. How often could I be this lucky in life? First time so far.

Thankyou for listening, and thankyou to all involved in keeping this message board here.

Devotion
(Male in early 20's, AOA 6-15)