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Once upon heaven and hell, May 2018

Posted by Hajduk on Tuesday, May 15 2018 at 01:20:48AM

As you have lately seen, Thatcher has grown, in my opinion, wiser, more mature, stronger and firmer.

Gunner is developing and discovering herself and her dreams and the life she can make for herself. At the same time, my love for her is becoming at once more evident and easier for her to understand, and, in her way, to return.

Thatcher decided to hide something from Mom and Raccoon. I wasn't surprised about Mom. I was about Raccoon. Seriously? You hide something from Raccoon? Watch out the sky, that isn't a bird, that isn't a plane, it's pigs and cows!

She was proven right.

I entrusted Raccoon with something, something about Gunner, which has no effect on her, and she proceded to tell Mom. All the dust settled, I appreciate Mom's input. But I was never rejecting Mom's input -- I just wanted a degree of control over the developments that I have now entirely lost. At this point, it's become pretty much a weather phenomenon from my viewpoint.

Gunner cried. Mom talked. And Raccoon joined. I tried to reply, but I realized I was outnumbered, and that there was no point in confrontation. I'd just become angrier, and still get nothing for it. For more than a minute I seriously considered walking out and never coming back; because the outcomes would be too hard to watch for me.

The following morning Mom voluntarily agreed to try. It was like air returned into my lungs.

Gunner is still insecure about what they told her. But I'm sure she can. I'm sure she is stronger and better than anyone says. "We know her"; maybe so, but no, I know her better. I know Gunner better than I know anyone else in the world. And she too knows me better than anyone else in the world does.

But I'm very disappointed at Raccoon. In minutes she destroyed the 6 years we had of knowing each other and of me loving her more than my own life. For her own sake, I hope she never needs me again. I will never do her any wrong, but I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to do her right anymore.

For 6 years I protected her, adviced her, and yes, argued her case and kept her secrets from Mom and other family members. I trusted her and gave her every reason to trust me. I was so successful in this that I truly changed her life, with only her smiles in exchange.

Ironically I don't even regret it. The freedom I gave her is the freedom with which she chose, time after time, to be wrong against my explicit advice and then come back to me and receive unconditional love. The freedom I gave her allowed her to choose a guy who isn't me. The freedom I gave her is the freedom with which she betrayed my trust. And I don't regret it. Because the freedom I gave her, after all, made surface the Raccoon who is, instead of the Raccoon who appeared to be; such a mythical girl I knew 6 years ago. Thank you Raccoon, because you just made it easier for me to be there for Gunner. And for Cousin, the ever jealous about you. And for Thatcher, who was right in entrusting her secrets and sorrows with me and not with you. Ironically, again, you will never thank me for having shielded you and allowed you to chase your dreams which weren't mine; oh how easy it would have been to break you down back then! But I do thank it -- because your having taken your decisions in full freedom tells me everything I need to know about you, and tells me just why Gunner, and not you, is the love of my life.

Even more ironically, even today I could hurt you because I could show you what lack of trust and betrayal look like. And yet I won't. Not because I'm not thinking about it. Not because it would hurt you: it will be the same dish you served me first. Not because it wouldn't have the desired consequences; it may well have them. But because I want to know and I want you to know, that I'm better than that. Because I am.

Gunner is still insecure. I'll visit her again asap, which probably is Wednesday.

She is so pretty when we talk. I could feel my face being gravitated towards hers...

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