I Just can't take it anymore and I do not know what to do about my life. Let me first say that this post might be overly long, but we're talking about decades worth of never spoken of heart ache, so please bare with me as I relate my struggle.

Yes, I love young girls. I love everything about them. I am attracted to them in every way a man can be or become. I have known this since I was in the 6th or 7th grade and began to realize that the girls in my grade levels, and older girls, could in no way compare to the beauty, charm and mystique of true "young ladies".

As I got older and become an adult, the feelings only got worse and worse. I eventually realized that I was incapable of even achieving an erection around naked, sexually willing women unless they were on the petite side... well, very petite side. I admit that both fear and shame became what motivated my love life, and as such, I have to this day often stayed quite single and sexless for years and years at a time.

And it has not been easy!

I have a significantly younger sister and I am quite close to my family. As she got older and started having friends around (and I admit to having lived at home for a period of several years longer than most), many of them took an interest in me in some form or another. Some even tried to outright "seduce" me, and though I know many would say such a thing is impossible... try telling that to a man who has had to walk away from an eleven year old gorgeous black girl who cuddled up next to him, lovingly looked into his eyes and said, "I promise, I will never tell anyone". And that is literally just the tip of the iceberg!

Over time, the children of friends, distant family and neighbors have often either expressed interest in spending private time with me, played silly mid games and sometimes even outright grabbed my hand and started sucking on my index finger with a smile on her face that let me know everything would be alright. Seven years old, she was seven years old and on the day of her birthday, the first day of her seventh year... when I showed up to her birthday party and gave her a hug... she whispered in my ear, "It's okay 'cuz I will say yes". And I never... ANYTHING! I never tried to groom or whatever. I never looked too long or tried to start play any kind of games she would have to keep secret. She was my cousin's kid for God's sake and I was traveling from out of state to help out with a house remodeling. I barely knew the girl and had no history with her.

And they just keep coming. Year after year... decade after literal decade... a parade of beautiful girls in my life that never seems to stop. And they all seem to like me too much... more than they like their favorite uncles or that older boy down the street. And they are all so open and honest... and brave... and just tell me the most amazing things about how they feel and what they want or need; from and of me, from and of life.

And I can't take it much longer! I am a pedophile/pedosexual/who cares, label me as you like. Damn it, I can't live like this anymore.

It's easy to say, "Well, I would never do this or that or allow for such-and-such to happen because I would never want to hurt a child." But I can't keep saying no anymore. I can't keep denying myself the love and affection I desire more than life itself. It's getting to the point that I am starting to think the Universe only wants to see me suffer and I can't take it anymore. All I do know is think about how much easier everything would be if I just killed myself. No more loneliness or pain. No more shame or fear. I can't live like a fully functional adult anymore.

I can't live like this anymore... I don't want to... but how can I start saying yes? I can't! And it's happening again. New city, new neighbors... a new girl who wants my attention. I know what she's doing, I have seen it fifty times before if I have seen it once.

I swear, it seems silly to say and many won't believe me I'm sure, but how in the Hell has a pedo been blessed/cursed as being a lolita magnet (you know, like "chick magnet")?

And I can't say no anymore. I would rather die than keep living this way.

Nowadays you can download entire books about how to hunt for kids for sex, but can't find a frigging thing about how to deal with the western world's oversexualized kids when your a child lover who only wants to stay in good standing with this messed up condition we call modern society.

And I just can't say no anymore... I can't... I am sorry but I can't.